TRUMP TO FOCUS ON CURE FOR LEFT HANDED PEOPLE NEXT

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Trump Will Now Focus on Finding a Cure for Being Left-Handed

Mar-a-Lago, FL. Fresh from warning pregnant women about the dangers of Tylenol and hinting that vaccines might be better served in separate, gold-plated doses, Donald Trump has unveiled his latest crusade: curing the “plague” of left-handedness.

Flanked by his new scientific consigliere Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Trump declared that “lefties” have been getting a free pass for too long.

“People don’t talk about it, but I will,” Trump boomed. “The left hand is weak, it’s crooked, it’s frankly very suspicious. When you sign your name with the left hand, it leans the wrong way. Everybody knows this. Terrible for America.”

Kennedy Jr., nodding solemnly, added that studies had shown “a possible association between left-handedness and jazz musicianship, creative writing, and in some cases, empathy.” He proposed urgent government funding to explore “right-hand retraining programs” using folic acid supplements and a strict diet of Fox News.

Critics, including virtually every neurologist and the International Association of Scissors Manufacturers, dismissed the plan as “pseudoscientific nonsense.” But Trump remained defiant:

“They said we couldn’t cure autism. They said we couldn’t cure empathy. They said we couldn’t cure Coldplay. But now, folks, we’re going to Make America Right-Handed Again.”

Rumors suggest the next targets on Trump’s medical hit list include freckles, lactose intolerance, and the disease of being Canadian.

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